Tr00 Kvlt Daria
by Sacred Dust
Summary: Daria Necrodorffer must journey across an icy wasteland of sparkling vampires, werewolves, zombies, and annoying fashion girls on a grim and frostbitten journey to the Lair of Asphodaemonichthon. Rated T for utter ridiculousness.


_This story is a parody of pretty much everything dark and gothic and Twilight-themed. Believe me, even I wouldn't submit something this bad intentionally. It was written by your little sister after she got into your black metal albums. Any resemblance to real people is tragic, but entirely coincidental. Enjoy._

**Tr00 Kvlt Daria**

Daria Necrodorffer trudged mournfully out of the grim and frostbitten ice caves beneath a bitter midnight moon that conjured blasphemous images of the pockmarked and undead face of Satan who dwelt far beneath these snowy wastelands of death where millions were slain by the yeti only to rise again as frozen zombies and bobsled to the even chillier gothic underworld in which windigos fought unceasingly with white wolves for icy scraps of tormented souls of the denizens who once bloodlustfully praised the horned one during the perverse rituals of the man-goat while Frosty the Snowman sat atop a very very very very very very very very tall mountain screeching unholy invocations of a frigid comet to descend and destroy the helpless shivering masses who were already falling prey to the winter demons with their limbs devoured like popsicles in the blizzard-filled skies of doom.

It was cold.

**Tr00 Kvlt Daria, Part Two Horns**

Daria Necrodorffer set out into the stinging sleet of the wasted tundra and kept her inverted cross-bow at the ready. In a land as inhospitable as this she was bound to have to defend herself from ghouls and darklings and spectres and frost giants and green slimes and wyverns and jinns and yuppies and werewolves and werewolves and more werewolves.  
HISSSSSSSSSSSS something hissed right by her ear.  
Oh for deaths sake thought Daria Necrodorffer how could I forgot vampires.  
Hey Daria Necrodorffer said the vampire who looked like Trent and Daria Necrodorffers mouth fell open and started to drool because he was so physically perfect it blinded her more than the flying snow just to look at him because he was so sparkly his sparkles sparkled and she wanted to have his vampire babies however Daria Necrodorffer did not have a biting fetish so unfortunately she could not accept his icy embrace of freezing bloodless hairless spotless darkness.  
She shot him.  
NOOOOOOO said the vampire as he vomited sparkles and died.  
Daria Necrodorffers money meter shot way up too bad there were no cars to steal and even if there were they probably would not start out here so she shed no tears of sorrow and did not look back as there was so very much more frigid ground to cover before she emerged from the wretched valley of frozen death to the Lair of Asphodaemonichthon.

**Tr00 Kvlt Daria, Part Three Eyes**

Daria Necrodorffer walked and walked and walked out of the fields to the high and frozen and airless and goosebumpy peak of Mount Erebeelzezael. She took a precious moment of her fleeting warmth and life she would never again have back to take out her Smart Phone and Tweet to her gal pals how cold it was but she had no gal pals and thus the inevitable tragic consequence was that there was no answer.  
Oh well said Daria Necrodorffer and began to climb to where the wind howled loudest and the her eyebrows froze and isn't that so annoying she thought and she thought the worst was over until she reached the peak and suddenly without warning before her eyes frozen in a sarcastic expression there appeared somebody.  
HIIII Dah-riaaaa I am the Princess of Necrocute!  
So my own sister has turned on me Daria said as her tears instantly froze I should have known it would come to this point because you were born on the 13th second of the 13th hour of the 13th day of the 13th month when our mom had a cold.  
You would look way cuter as a zombie Daria Necrodorffer said Quinn I mean the Princess of Necrocute and before her sister could stop her she gave her sister a zombie makeover.  
Thank you said Daria Necrodorffer at least I will fit in now she then shot her sister through the heart with her inverted crossbow of blasphemous horn-tossing arrows dipped in the blood of belial. Dammit Daria Necrodorffer I am dead again said the Princess of Necrocute I told you that tickles now continue on to the Lair of Asphodaemonichthon before he brings about the Necropocalypse.

**Tr00 Kvlt Daria, Part Four Horsemen**

Before our heroine who was beginning to feel slightly chilly by this time could reach the cave of the ultimate demon with a really hot bod she thought to herself what if becoming a zombie has given me zombie powers because I will need them to deal with his minions the Hyperborean Harpies.  
omg Kaytlinn what are you still doing writing you will be last in line at lunch says my bffffffff not boyfriend lol best friend forever Tristina. BRB

**Tr00 Kvlt Daria, Part Five Severed Fingers**

Zombies exploded abs first out of the freezing ground of frozen undeath to follow the lead of fellow zombie Daria Necrodorffer. They did not really know where they were going or where all their limbs were but that is cause they are zombies and they had to follow their queen and go and stop Asphodaemonichthon. As they approached the giant towering really really big tower of caverns of despair in which the devil lurked guess what it was cold and out of the entrance came the Hyperborean Harpies Monique and Sandi and Stacy and Brooke and Tori and Cassidy and Danielle and Veronica and that one girl from iCarly. And behind them came vampires and werewolves next to the werepires and vampwolves and worst of all were the pyrewolves because when they bit you you grew too much hair on your arms like that girl from 3rd period ew.  
The evil forces of evil were no match for Daria Necrodorffer and her zombies and sparkling furry muscled bodies littered the plain even though there was no blood because mom won't let me watch that stuff yet sorry this story is about Daria Necrodorffer.

**Tr00 Kvlt Daria, Part 666**

MWA HA HA said Asphodaemonichthon I have been waiting for you Daria Necrodorffer and perhaps as well you have been waiting for me.  
Daria Necrodorffer knew this must be the king ice demon of the dark underworld of demonic defilement where the air conditioning was always on way too high. He had horns and bigger horns and lots of steamy muscles and abs. He smelled like Axe.  
OK you're really hot but I have a secret weapon said Daria Necrodorffer I am not Daria Necrodorffer but now that the time has come I am in fact Daria Disneydorffer!  
And suddenly her zombie clothes turned into a pink gown and a wand and insulated slippers because it was cold out, and she sparkled so much Asphodaemonichthons eyes turned to sugar and fell out. He retired from demonhood and joined One Direction instead.  
LOL don't you mean he did a duet with Justin Bieber said my friend Alyssinn. No way I said even I don't like Bieber anymore. We all laughed.  
My phone beeped and I got a text from my mom KAYTLINN WHAT IS YOUR BROTHERS BLACK METAL ALBUM DOING IN YOUR ROOM?  
Uh oh.  
LULZ THE END


End file.
